I often get asked whether I prefer to play dominant or a sub at a BDSM session. My response is always the same: it depends.
Here comes my penchant for the chiaroscuro; the interplay between light and darkness, produced in sharp contrasts. Chiaroscuro, for me, translates into a versatile approach to kink. Whether I feel like a top or a bottom comes in undulating waves.
What I can say with certainty is that for me to be in a submissive state of mind, I need my play partner to be a thoughtful and deliberate person. This starts with the deep understanding of the holy trinity of BDSM practises: SSC (Safe, Sane Consensual).
Safe: Both physically and emotionally. It is important for me that my domme is cognisant about the fact that when I reach my subspace, I might become less verbal. Lack of verbal communication on my part doesn’t mean that I don’t still need to feel that my wellbeing is being monitored. Part of this process is that the pre-agreed boundaries are being respected.
Sane: This aspect of SSC concerns fantasy versus reality. For example one of the common mistakes I have encountered is the belief that because I’m a sub during particular play scenes, I might also be so in real life. This is not the case - both parties must be clear about when the play scene starts and when it ends.
Consent: no means no. Full stop.
A domme’s ability for emotional work during (and after) scenes is key for me to reach my subspace. Sadly, with the mainstream-isation of BDSM, many people think they can domme someone without the need for emotional work. You need look no further than domme profiles on Fetlife – considered the “Facebook” of the kink community – to have an idea of how many self-proclaimed ‘dommes’ conflate BDSM practises with abuse. I’m unashamedly politicised when it comes to sex – my sexuality has been shaped by long conversations over taboos and status quo related issues. If I feel that a domme’s behaviour raises red flags, my political life invades (and protects) myself during our time alone, which more than anything else is simply a mood killer.
Becoming a good domme requires a slow, intentional process of looking inwards, of challenging yourself, of finding new languages to express your desires. Self-learning like this is such a subversive exercise – coupled, of course, with a filthy wink. Communication – I know, such a cliché - is key. But it’s a cliché for a reason. Becoming a domme involves demolishing your ego, making yourself feel vulnerable… As a sub, I love the feeling of pushing my domme’s boundaries, my bratty behaviour guiding my body, making me reach that edge. It’s such a turn on when a domme asks, listens, explores, instead of getting ahead without trying to understand the sub’s desires. Imagine instead of blind unconsidered behaviour, the right chemistry (and perhaps the right blindfold). Imagine instead of the usual, Friday, red wine in hand, a crime scene:
Floggers, blindfolds, rope.
A kiss, a spank, a bite on my neck…
Until, suddenly, you can feel that the world outside disappears:
**MY SUBSPACE **
Meaning: the only thing that exists for now is the heavy weight of your eyes on me.
I feel like floating. Spanking feels painless.
You know? Euphoria. In an enigmatic way.
Adrenaline, endorphins. The “I” – is no longer.
Now: only trance.
Natural highs.
Incoherence: my raw humanity with your raw humanity.
Suddenly, my knees kiss the floor.
My hands rest ahead. The only certainty: I know how I want to be flogged. On the low part of my butt cheeks. Repetition. Pain – pleasure – pain as pleasure.
You read my body:
Visual sweat,
Blood full.
Fill a flute with champagne.
Bring it to my lips:
Open, you say.
I open.
A close up: my reddish bum gets wet by your kiss.
This is how I feel the weight of your pupils penetrating me.
Inside a room that is so warm that I can close my eyes and confound its walls with my skin.
** MY SUBSPACE CONTINUES **
